My own heart
Is a mystery to me,
But you know me inside and out, Yahweh.
Nothing is hidden from your eyes.
…
I need you
To look inside of me.
You know everything about me
And I’m terribly blind to myself.
Am I like these people I hate?
Are there offensive ways inside of me, too?
I can’t just be pointing the finger at them
If the finger needs to be pointed at me as well.
And when you’re done
Sorting through the muck of my mind
And heart,
Could you lead me in the good way,
The beautiful way,
The true way?
I want to walk that way with you
Forever.
(Everyday Psalms, Psalm 139, page 312 & 315)
“Why did you do that?”
I get asked the question from time to time. To be honest, I’m asked it far less often than I should. Because the truth is, there are plenty of times I do or say things and don’t know why.
As the philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.”
Psalm 139 is the great exploration of the unknown heart. The emotional starting point of the psalm isn’t in the beginning, it’s toward the end of the prayer. It’s the dark part, the angry part. It’s the part where the psalmist expresses disgust for those who mistreat God.
If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies (Ps. 139:19-22).
Yes. This is the starting point the psalm, the very part most people skip when reading the otherwise beloved Psalm 139. It’s precisely this violent anger that causes the psalmist to question his own heart. The first 18 verses are an amazing exploration of how comprehensively God knows each of us. If God knows everything about me, then I can come to him when I am a mystery to myself.
This isn’t limited, of course, to when we feel anger. God’s personal knowledge of each and every one of us is available in any situation we find ourselves in. Because even those of us who think we’ve got good self-knowledge are terribly blind to ourselves. We really are.
Why am I angry? Why am I sad? Why can’t I stick to my diet? Why am I bothered by this person but not by that person? Why can’t I sleep at night when I’m so tired during the day? What is causing all of this tension in my back? Why do I keep buying things I don’t need? Why do I keep procrastinating those few things?
Spiritual directors and therapists may help answer the mysteries of our hearts that cause us to do things that otherwise don’t make sense. But God knows our full stories and all of our complexities. And he is able to lead us out from internal agitation and into the good way, the beautiful way, the true way so we can walk that way with him forever.
Prayer: Lord, I get so frustrated with myself. I don’t know why I do the stupid things I do so much of the time. I repeat sins and destructive behaviors, knowing as I do them that I’m making a mess of my life. Any yet I do them! Why? What’s off inside of me that keeps choosing that bad path? I want to live a better life. I want to live the life you created me for, the life you saved me to. You know what feels unknowable in me. Please, fix it! I want in on your good life. In Jesus. Amen.