My son and I finished our morning exercise routine and I was not feeling well. It wasn’t the normal exhaustion from pushing ourselves. It was my back. And it only got worse as the day went on. I’d tweaked my back.
Or that’s what I thought at first. But a little self-reflection pointed to a different cause. I was stressed out.
My lower back is the barometer of stress for me. And when it acts up, I know something is wrong. I usually think it’s something wrong in my body. But almost always, it’s something wrong in my soul. Almost always, it’s because I’ve internalized stress and it’s collected itself in my lower back, tightening up those muscles like a fist. And no amount of stretching or chiropractic manipulation does anything to alleviate it. I know. I’ve tried. Often.
What helps is trust.
The problem I have is misplaced trust. And I’m not talking about misplaced trust in my wife or a financial advisor or anything like that. I’m talking about misplaced trust in myself.
I’ve got a good mind. I excel at strategy games. I may not be Spock, but I’m logical. In my Strength Finders profile, “Strategic” is my top characteristic. I like helping people think through things. All that to say, I put a lot of confidence in my mind and my ability to think through and plan for anything I encounter.
But while I’m grateful for the mind I have, I trust it too much. And when it eventually lets me down, I feel that painful clenching in my lower back.
The problem is there isn’t always a way to think ourselves through things. Sometimes, our situations are less about strategies and more about feelings. And that’s where I was at the moment. I was facing a fork in the road. And regardless of which way I would go, I’d be missing out on something significant to me. Both directions were good directions, but both directions included loss. There was no strategic way around it, only an emotional way through it.
My heart was struggling because I was trying to plan my way through with my mind.
When I was a kid, I memorized Proverbs 3:5-6. It’s amazing how relevant it is.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
My heart too often trusts my mind, leaning on my own understanding. And that’s a recipe for an aching back.
And so, I’ve been trying to set aside my strategizing and get on with trusting. There’s a place for planning. God gave me my mind after all. But whenever it gets in the way of my trusting in God, as my back suggests, it’s time to reevaluate, to step back, to do less planning instead of more.
Gracious God, thank you for being patient with me as you watch me foolishly attempt to figure out the life you’ve given me, as I attempt to make it “my” life. I offer my mind to you. I offer my heart to you. I offer my circumstances to you. Teach me to trust you. Take this emotional fork in the road and turn it into a straight path, a path I walk with you and not just with my mind. Amen.